After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
