I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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