I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
