You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Randomize
