i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
