Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
