You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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