i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
