PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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