Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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