You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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