Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
