I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize