Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
