turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
