i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
