Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize