just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
