a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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