Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
