The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
