i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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