Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I didn't notice because vodka
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
