I faked an abortion last night.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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