these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
