he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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