the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
you didnt know i had herpes?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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