The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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