The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
