She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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