Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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