Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
