I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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