dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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