I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
