Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He's a Shit stain on my heart
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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