I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize