when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
