I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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