I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
