I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
it was like eating out sand paper
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
