The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I think my moral compass just broke
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
