I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
