I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
