The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize