i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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