you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
