I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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