Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Randomize
