woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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