tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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