i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize