1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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