I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
