Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
