You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize