Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
