I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
