Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
