my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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