why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
