Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
