i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I would fuck him just for his dog
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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