He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
