Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
