do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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