i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize