so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
