You smell like stripper and shame
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
